I love the 4th. In some of my earliest memories I’m waving sparklers on my grandparents’ lawn - watching liquid fire drip off the tip onto the grass; white smoke, nostrils full of sulfer.. Fireworks are threaded through my life, and they have never changed for me. My reactions have changed, but they haven’t: I’ve always seen in them an ideal beauty, with nothing to grasp at or hold on to - no distractions as it were.

I can follow that strand of beauty back, and I see myself falling farther and farther away from it. When I was very young, fireworks simply made me happy. Even though the fireworks were used up, my happiness was secure because life was secure - I was confident of even greater good to come, of more holidays and more fireworks, and nothing had been irrepairably lost or broken.

I used to make fireworks (people often think I’m some pyro nut-job, but that wasn’t really it: who doesn’t want to create the thing they love?), and through that hobby I saw the possibility of change and a foreshadowing of my current position.

One year I put on a show for my cousins, which started well. There were several volcanoes (blue and purple) I was especially proud of. Near the end I set off a whistler. It was a new design, and instead of whistling it exploded - it flew through the air and struck my cousin Whitney’s ankle. She wasn’t injured, but of course it stung and she spent several minutes crying. Even though she was ok, I felt wretched the rest of the day. Here was a thing that seemed entirely beautiful, that had brought me only joy, and in trying to bring that joy to someone else I had brought suffering instead. The very center of things had become missaligned, and fireworks made me sad from then on.

They are still beautiful, and they fade, but now I cry afterwards, because I know some beautiful things pass away and never come back. I think of all the people I’ve hurt and the suffering I’ve caused, all the beauty I’ve destroyed, things I can never undo, and even though God can bring new good out of any evil, still the evil is done and the first good is gone. Of couse I know, as a Christian, that there is hope.. everyone plays “Born in the USA” today, but I always think of a different Springsteen song:

everything dies baby that’s a fact
but maybe everything that dies someday comes back..

Today I found myself erasing a used scantron sheet because I didn’t have 5 cents to buy a new one..  Is that the epitome of the broke college student or what?

 People moving really sucks.  I’m instituting a new rule - if you become my friend, I require you to stay put, or else.. (I will beat you about the ears will a rolled newspaper, or something similar..)

I’m taking a communications class, Mass Media & Society.  As a project, I cataloged my consumption of media over the course of a week and discussed the results.  The following is an excerpt that stems from reflection on the few, token hours I spent reading.  It is about the dangers of television and advertisements, and while it was written to be purposefully inflammatory (the prof. likes that), I do feel strongly about the dangers of TV.  If you’ve been reading for a while you’ve heard me talk about similar ideas, but I feel it’s something I should bring up periodically as a sort of public service.

    Books are, sadly, low on the survey but high on my list of priorities. I am currently writing more than I am reading, and the reading I do is on the net. Still, books provide an element of balance than cannot be found elsewhere. They are a few steps back from the fires of television and the weekly news: ideas have time to cool and solidify into something firm and stable within a book; TV just blinds and burns then fades away.

I don’t watch TV, except on rare occasions. I sold my television years ago and have never regretted the sale. TV isn’t inherently bad as a medium but I think much of what we watch is bad – bad for the mind and bad for the spirit.

Our bodies react pleasurably to stimulation. TV provides that stimulation, and as it increases, so does the pleasurable thrill. TV executives know this, hence the ever increasing levels of frenetic action in programming. Cut scenes of less than a second have become the norm - if the camera is still the audience is bored. Unfortunately, this continual over-excitement wears down and fractures the mind. There is no time for logical thought, for consideration or reflection, during that half-second cut: we are reacting on a gut level (great for the advertisers!), jumping from one topic to the next, and slowly becoming incapable of anything else. We are becoming a nation of idiots.

Without the ability to think we are vulnerable to manipulation and control, and TV advertisements prey on that vulnerability. The constant, underlying theme of modern advertising: without The Product you are worthless. Women are shown impossible ideals of physical beauty, images of wealth they will never possess, even visions of tranquility and inner peace, and they are promised everything if only they will buy The Beauty Product: “All this I will give you…if you will bow down and worship me.” We buy success with a Car, fun and companionship with Beer, and not even love is self-sufficient – it must be bought with a Diamond, nothing else will do.

I could go on about TV, about televised news creating a culture of fear and hate and political debate being reduced to an exercise in acting,..

1) I got in a fight last night. I was talking to this guy Mike, who happens to be black, and this other guy I don’t know (intoxicated I think) starts refering to him with racial slurs. So I tell Stranger Person to shut up (there was some profanity in there, sadly…). Stranger Person didn’t like this: he punched me in the stomach, threw me on the ground, and again into the bushes when I tried to get up. I collected myself at this point, chopped the guy on the neck, hip tossed him, and put a sleeper hold on him. I guess someone else went off and found a security gaurd, cause they showed up and handcuffed him while I had him pinned. I just explained what had happened and left, so I’m not sure how he ended up. I have some pretty nasty cuts from falling, but on the plus side I won, so now I’m 4-0 :)

2) Today, I was out walking, and I climbed up the hillside in Big Dalton Canyon. It’s quite steep and was difficult getting up - I came through a ravine then worked my way back around the face. This would have been fine, except I wasn’t paying attention to the time and it got dark. I turned around but couldn’t find the route I had come by and ended up sliding down the hill.

The hills in Big Dalton are covered with a network of valleys and canyons, most of them steep and full of trees. The tops of the trees grow up into the sun and protrude a little past the ground above. At night, this looks like flat land with bushes, not giant pits of death. I grabbed one of these ‘bushes’, and tried to lower myself into what I thought was maybe a 3 - 4 ft. ditch. Instead, I ended up falling God knows how far… it was too dark to see but I was in the air about 3 seconds. I bounced off the canyon wall twice, and the third time landed upside down in a patch of what looked like poison oak. It was really to dark to identify it, but I’m starting to get bumps on my arms so now I’m pretty sure. The rash shows up faster each time I get it.

So in short, I’m pretty beat up :-P

My mood has improved quite a bit since last posting - having strangers recognize and appreciate your creative efforts is always uplifting.  My band profile got a message from another L.A. band.  They said they really like my music, that they are planning a tour in august with another group from New Orleans, and they want me to tour with them :-)  Unfortunately, they were under the impression that I am a full band.  I can’t perform live because there is just one of me.  It’s still nice though..

This past Sunday Hope Lutheran’s evening service was held outdoors, around a campfire in Big Dalton Canyon. We had a similar outdoor service last year and it was very popular, so it will probably become a regular event.

Last time a few people went home after the service, but most stayed, roasted marshmallows, sang camp songs, and generally had fun. This year, everyone left. I tried to argue but was met with various excuses: “I have to finish these fliers that are due next Friday”, “The kids are going to get tired if we stay”, “I need to do the dishes”, “We don’t have any flashlights”, and “I have to go shopping”. I called a couple of these lame and got the response, “Well, sometimes it sucks being grown up.”

The general attitude after the service, and that response in particular, have been bothering me for some reason.. If being grown up means not enjoying campfires and fellowship I want to be a Toys-R-Us kid, but that’s not really the problem. I’ve spent enough time in the past buying my own groceries, doing the bills, etc., to know we must do these things whether we like them or not, and I think the person who responded was most likely out of everyone to have truthfully needed to shop that night instead of using it as an excuse. Their response just seemed to embody the group mindset, which was troubling.

The children wanted to stay. The grown-ups (except for me and Peter) didn’t. The grown-ups had responsibilities that interfered..? It looks that way, but no. Even children have responsibilities (schoolwork, chores). It was really a difference of values. The grown-ups valued their responsibilities more than staying, and rightly so..? Again it would seem so, but the reality is different. Fliers for work, shopping, and doing dishes beat out the campfire - they must be done. However! they didn’t need to be done right then. These people all have leisure activities they could have sacrificed later in the week. What happened was more like this:

*Child’s Priorities*
1) Campfire
2) Schoolwork
3) Playing Ball
4) Television
5) Internet Time
6) Resting

*Adult’s Priorities*
1) Work / Shopping / Chores
2) Reading
3) Television
4) Internet Time
5) Rest
6) Campfire

There are problems in both cases. The children should prioritize schoolwork over a campfire, and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t. But at least they know better - I’m sure they would admit schoolwork was more important if asked. The adults, well,… I can’t say with certainty the campfire should be bumped up to #2 for every adult in every case. However, it is something that happens only once a year, and it involves genuine fellowship and communion with the Christian community.

Watching television at best does nothing, and at worst fills the mind with poisonous shit. There is a direct correlation between negative self-image and television/magazine viewing, and the average adult watches 28 hours a week. Some literature is edifying, but can be read any time (instead of the TV perhaps?). Surely it is better to give up the television or reading, do the errands or chores later in the week, and celebrate a festival!?

The adult attitude? No, it’s not better. Fellowship around the campfire is less important than routine. I think most adults really believe pushing back their schedule, spending an extra day with the dishes dirty for a campfire would be silly.

Our conception of adulthood is screwy. Growing up means growing, not just changing - we shouldn’t abandon things we loved as children, we should add to them and develop them. “We acquire a taste for coffee as adults, but we don’t give up liking buttered toast or hot chocolate” (Lewis).

The sad result - our children are stronger than we are, and can see more clearly. They love their friends freely: they are open with them, they want to spend time with them, they are intimate even to the point of sleeping in the same bed. They understand that sitting by the fire, talking, singing together is really important - that it is an expression of love and trust. It is communion without the wine (and grahm crackers for bread).

In contrast, us adults hardly seem to care. Something in our culture destroys that free, open love as we get older and convinces us the destruction is normal, a sign of maturity. Perhaps it’s because we constantly move - we leave home for college, move somewhere else after that, move again when we marry or change jobs. Each time we loose friends and connections we loose a little trust along with them. I’m not sure if it’s that or something else, but whatever it is, I hate it..

My ex keeps coming to church on Sunday night, chatting with everyone, bringing gifts to people she has met like once, then asking me out to dinner so I can look like an ass when I say no.  All this while making snide comments on the side with no one listening.  And now I’m going to look like an ass again writing about it.  In fact, I’m sure no one will believe me when I say she is using them to try to manipulate me, though she’s basically admitted as much.  She can be very sweet, and CDs and chocolate! and I’m just a cold jerk.

I’m not sure if she wants to guilt me into coming back or if it’s merely spite.  She tried this with my parents and brother, acted like she wanted to be super close friends.  They were and are very nice to her, but when she realized she couldn’t turn them on me she stopped talking to them.

Apparently it’s been more effective this time - I had to have a long conversation with someone today to convince them I’m not a jerk.  I found out from them she’s been calling another one of my friends (apparently on a number of occasions), talking about who knows what.  They probably think I’m a jerk too, though they’ve not said anything and still put up with me, which just shows how great they are.

I’m sorry everyone.. please don’t hate me.  I know she gave you candy and CDs and it looks like I’m being mean.  When we were together she had good reason to treat me badly.  The situation has changed, however, and apart from the fact that she continually changes her mind, everyone who knows all the details agrees it would be a really bad idea for me to go back.  So please don’t think I’m a jerk, but I’m just not going back to her.

On the positive side, we’ve got essentially a full band now (though it might not last long), and it’s got the potential to sound really good.  Lots of compliments already, and we’ve only played together like this once before.  People say they are served by the music, which is encouraging.

Jack, the owner of WePackItAll, routinely searches the internet for any mention of his company. I’ve posted lots of blogs about work and this one was recently indexed by Google (I’m so proud! Go read it so you have a point of reference.) - it now shows up under searches for “WePackItAll” on the second results page. Last Wednsday Jack read my blog, called me into his office, then promptly fired me.

He gave a little speach before kicking me out that I’ve summarized for you below (quotes just indicate Jack talking - I’ve paraphrased but his language was similar):

1) “How dare you say such a thing in public! It’s like slapping me in the face! This is slander! You could be sued! If you have problems with the company you bring them to me!”

2) “How dare you use the trademarked WePackItAll name outside the company? You could be sued sued sued!”

3) “How dare you post the text of one of our SOP’s on the internet? You even have it in quotes here! This is intellectual property theft, stealing our trade secrets and revealing them, undermining our competitiveness. I could have you thrown in prison!”

4) “How could you do this to me after all the oppertunities I’ve given you? I can’t believe you’d do such a thing.. I just can’t believe it.. it’s disgusting..”

5) “You’re fired. Brian, escort him out of the building and make sure he doesn’t go anywhere else … you’d better take down that post if you don’t want to get sued.”

The blog is quite obviously tongue in cheek, meant to be comedy, and reader response was positive. It is also somewhat harsh, and the guy who originally wrote the procedures could legitimately be offended. I would understand if Jack were perturbed (even though I’m critiquing the literary style of an inherently non-literary document no longer in use and written by a man who doesn’t work for the company anymore), but certainly not this explosion of fury???

Since Jack and his lawyer are watching this site to see if I remove the blog, I’ve read the pertinent sections of our legal code and written a point by point rebuttal for their benefit:

1) You would be suing me for libel, not slander. Statements are only libelous if they contain factually incorrect information - true statements and statements of opinion are exempt, and my blog consists entirely of the latter.

2) The Fair Use clause of US copyright law permits free use of copyrighted material in the context of commentary, parody, or critique, so long as there is no intention to profit.

3) Information can only qualify as a trade secret if there is an effort to prevent it’s distribution. You freely email your SOPs to anyone who asks for them.

4) I didn’t intend to do anything to you. As for opportunities.. what? the opportunity to be overworked and paid a third of what I’m worth? (programmers aren’t cheap, and I know what you pay the IT staff)

5) You think I’m going to sabotage your stupid plant or something? Not all of us are so childish. I would have retracted the post if you’d just asked, but since you threatened to sue and acted like an ass it’s definitely not comming down.

Current mood: tired

I’ve been forging and welding the copper until now, but today I tried something called metal spinning.  A mandrel is made out of wood or whatever, the sheet of metal is centered and attached to the mandrel, and the mandrel is hooked up to some kind of motor (preferably a lathe).  The metal blank is then levered down with a big steel rod while it is spinning and hopefuly forms into the predetermined shape.  The process is similar to shaping pottery on a wheel.

The idea sounds simple - deceptively simple, in fact.  Generally any industrial process described in shop manuals as “requiring great moral turpitude” is not something you want to try at home.  In this case the problem lies in centering the blank.  Because of the high speed, any wobble tends to rip the workpiece off the mandrel and throw it across the room.  This isn’t a problem with pottery, but it is with sharp metal discs.  Half-way through the procedure, when the drill press began to shake violently, three things occured to me that lead me to stop:

1) I handn’t rounded off the edges of the copper blank.
2) Nails were not an adequate method of attaching the bank to the mandrel.
3) The blank was level with my neck.

I’ve tried to replicate alot of industrial processes over the years, and as I was thinking about the results today I came up with a good rule of thumb.  The more recently a process was invented, the more likely you are to get killed trying it in the garage.  The list below is chronologically ordered, and you can see the pattern clearly:

Cold forging:  This is as old as civilization, and I’ve had great success with it.  The worst that can happen is you end up with an ugly lump of metal.

Smithing:  Hot forging has proved to be more difficult.  My results haven’t been very good and I’ve burned myself a few times.

Manufacturing black powder:  This was during my adolescent years.  Excelent results, burned off my eyebrows.

Glass blowing:  Not much luck here.  I haven’t been able to temper the glass properly and the finished pieces randomly explode.

Torch cutting:  This is fine if you buy the equipment, but when I tried to make a torch I ended up lighting both my arm and the appartment on fire.

Arc welding:  This was ridiculous, with flying bits of liquid metal, and ultimately blew out the fuse box.

Current mood: distressed

98 hits!? For a 5 minute recording of a christmas carol (Jim’s comment aside)? I don’t even know 98 people. I’m not sure I’ve known 98 people over the course of my entire life. Who are all of you? And why did only 5 of you want to read my painstakingly constructed analysis of mind-body duality?!? I must be completely on the wrong track with these blogs.. I don’t even know what to post now..

I’m going to do an experiment - I want to see if I can beat my new record. Here’s an animated christmas tree gif you can re-post in your friends’ comment sections:

Isn’t it pretty?!? Be sure to tell everyone where you got it from!